~ Tornado Season

Hi everyone! Welcome back to my blog :)

There is a lot to unpack lately, which is part of the reason why it has taken me so long to come back to this space. Truthfully, I've been avoiding it because well.....life as really stomped on my fingers and toes lately.

I suppose I'll start on a positive note! We were able to take our first family vacation since Summer 2020! Yay!! It was super fun, we went to Florida (if you missed the million pictures I posted of it). As amazing as our trip was, Florida was also the foreshadowing of what was to come in our near future.

We had some pretty magical moment on our family vacation, as most families do when they take their kids to Disney for the first time. However, because this was the first real time that any of us had spent together in a very long time (without breaks mind you; work and school and daycare) we saw and felt everything that took place. In my last blog I talked to you about how our second born, Charlotte was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder, and broke it down for you what that meant and for us, what it looked like. On this trip though, it seemed (selfishly) that it was that x1000. What was even harder was knowing what we knew with her diagnosis was how much harder it was for Charlotte. Disney is overstimulating for any person, and there were quite a few moments where I was close to tears watching my child struggle. She was completely out of her routine, exhausted, intrigued, and overstimulated. Lots of tears were had by everyone on this trip.

Once we returned from our trip we went through the difficulty of getting everyone back into their routine only to lose our childcare because of the difficulty of meeting Charlotte's needs, without much notice. This then meant that we had to figure out childcare so my husband could keep working, and so I could continue going to school while keeping our kids in a stable environment. Ultimately what it came down to was Scott working from home once a week so I could attend class at a minimum of once a week in the hopes that we could find someone else to help on the rare occasion I could go to class my scheduled twice a week. Thankfully, my professors have been amazing and have proved again, that they just want to support me through to the finish line. Besides that, I've turned into a full-time stay-at-home mom.

Trying to finish a semester with two small children at home with me has proved to be one of the most difficult tasks I've met yet. Trying to meet their needs and keep them stimulated and learning, busy and not destructive has me feeling hollow. How is one person supposed to take all of this on? Oh, and try to make time to "self-care"? What even is that at this point? I don't have time for it, whatever it is. And if I did, I don't have the energy and I sure as heck have other things on my list of what comes first on my triage list.

Today did me in. I had a meeting with our school district's social worker on Charlotte's testing that she was borderline being qualified to receive assistance and support but at this time there was nothing they could do because she didn't cross the threshold. She was at the line, literally on the dot. Because of that, my child doesn't qualify for services to assist her in learning the skills she doesn't understand, such as social skills for example. When I explained my frustration at receiving zero resources that worked with our insurance or through the school district they couldn't give me much commentary back in return.

And that is exactly what is frustrating about this. Sensory Processing Disorder isn't looked at as "official" like other cognitive/social needs. It is one of the hardest to get assistance and support for because it can be such a wide range. How am I supposed to help support my child when all the resources either view me as "not enough" of a problem or something our insurance doesn't cover, or were wait listed for whoever knows how long?

However much there is that I cannot change about everything that has happened lately, there is a lot I see as a "bigger plan" in the works. As frustrated as I am in not getting what "I" want, or what I think my child "deserves" I see what God vaguely has planned. The groundwork of it at least. God put me in this place to be a mother to these children. He's also allowed me to grow as a parent over these last few years through the support of therapy. He's prepared me for this moment to take these children on without the hovering darkness I felt once before. The last time I was solely responsible for my children for one weekend I ended up checking myself into a mental health facility for severe post-partum depression/anxiety/rage. That was almost three years ago. I've been able to conquer much more independent time with them through the years with the help of prayer and multiple support networks. He's prepared me to be emotionally available for my children, as well as strong and emotionally stable. I've seen the change and felt the difference. I've felt His hand guiding this painful process, what I've been referencing as "ripping off the band-aid".

One of my girls' favorite songs is "Jesus Loves Me". Lately, as they sing it (as they happily destroy my house) I'm reminded that though I am weak, He is strong. He is the anchor that holds me steady. He will get me through this season. He will carry me through the deep waters.

This place our family is in is not permanent, and in fact, might even be a blessing. It's a growth spurt, as sore and miserable as they may be. For now, I'll be on auto-pilot, allowing God to steer my way.

- Darby